Can I miss something which I never had ? Can I miss a place where I have never been to or a person whom I have never met? It sounds a bit crazy, but yes, I can. And I do. ‘Missing something’, for me is a feeling I love. It makes me feel that there are things which really matters to me than my day to day life. It makes me feel that there are people who could earn my respect even though I haven’t met one since long. It makes me realize that, the place I am now isn’t permanent and I can always be at that dreamy place which I miss.
It’s pretty hard to explain. But have you heard of this word – Hiraeth. The longing or nostalgia to be home that can never return to or that never was. For me, something I miss means hiraeth. I always have homesickness about this home that never exists. I always feel nostalgic about a wonderful relationship that I never had. I always miss that amazing person who I never met or never will. And it’s this longing that makes me stay alive.
In life, I have put myself into situation which I knew is not gonna end nice. But I wanted to do it. I always wanted something to miss about. I had a pretty good life and I have been lucky that the things I hoped would turn wrong has really ended good, leaving me not much grief. My normal mind is grateful for that, but my crazy dominant mind still want more hiraeth that it still keep on taking the risk of broken heart every time.
For my crazy one, the logic is simple. More the grief, hiraeth and solitude, a better writer. It is funny that how each and every thing in my life is related to my constant thirst to write but every time I try, I realize that I am not ready yet. I have no idea when will I ever be ready. This quote, which I randomly found on internet on the other day reads my mind our aloud.
““The truth,” she tells Sugar, “[is that] I am sick with panic that I cannot — will not — override my limitations, insecurities, jealousies, and ineptitude, to write well, with intelligence and heart and lengthiness.”
And I think I have to realize that the truth is, my hiraeth, my grief and the one thing is miss is the drive and talent to write well. How fast I walk, how far I go or how hard my heart craves are, I ain’t gonna be there… it isn’t happening…right?